Tuesday, May 31st – A Turn for the Worse?

I took Eilis to school this morning, and figured I would spend the two hours while she was at school with my dad.  I went into his room, and he was dozing a bit.  He startled himself awake after a few minutes and asked me if he had been sleeping. I told him he had.  He reported that my wonderful husband had stopped at the diner and brought him a big diner breakfast.  He has been asking for one – scrapple, eggs, hash browns, etc.  Jim left with Brighid earlier this morning and stopped at Ponzios, then brought the breakfast to my dad.  BTW, they saw Bobby Clarke, former Captain for the Philadelphia Flyers, at the diner.  It would have been cool to bring him along!!

Anyway, as I sat there, my dad got teary and said he didn’t realize it would take so long to die.  He told me he wished it was over, and he was frustrated and upset that he was not gone by now.  He mentioned wanting to be like the man in the bed next to him – who has not moved in the 5 days since my dad has been there, and has had very little company.  He asked me a few times if he seemed confused, because they told him he would get confused.  I think he wanted me to tell him yes, he was confused, because then it would have seemed to him like something was happening.  And that’s what he wants – something to happen.  He wants life to be over, and he didn’t realize that making the decision to die would result in him hanging on, clinging to life.  He then started asking for his bath, so after about half an hour, I went home.

I went back to the hospital after I picked Eilis up and spent two and a half more hours.  He held the baby for a while today while she slept – I was so grateful that she was peaceful laying in his arms.  She didn’t fuss or fidget at all, she just lay still and let him cuddle her.  My Uncle Bobby was there with his three children, and my cousins spent quite a bit of time playing with Eilis.  When it was time to go get Brighid, Ann and my Aunt Joan took Eilis with them to the cafeteria and I ran to get Brighid.  Ann told me Daddy told her also that he was frustrated by the fact that he is still alive.  I cannot believe I am praying for this, but I want him to go peacefully and quickly.  It’s enough already.

I took Brighid back to the hospital with me to pick Eilis up, and there was a woman in my dad’s room with an organ.  She was singing to him and playing music, and letting Eilis play a bit as well.  She ended with the song “How Great Thou Art”.  My dad wants that played at his funeral, so I am pretty sure he requested that she play it.  One of the nurses came in and sang with my aunt Joan and Ann, and then mentioned that it’s a beautiful song in any language.  She is from the Caribbean.  We left shortly after that.  My dad was dozing.  He is weaker today, and not well looking.  His stomach is getting huge – the fluids accumulating.  He did not seem to be coughing as much today, but everything is relative – the man in the bed next to him had to be suctioned a few times during our visit today. 

I don’t know if his depression is a turn for the worse or if all the other “symptoms” can be called a turn for the worse.  I just hope it ends soon.  My father does not want this.