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I know what you’re thinking. How much free time does this woman has that she’s going to do a list of all the celebrities that need a smack in the mouth? Obviously, this is going to take weeks to compile this list, and unless she is abandoning her children, neglecting her house, and dumping her husband, no way can she do this list justice.
Well, you’re right. But I do have a top 5 list, so we’ll start there, and maybe I’ll add to the list as I see fit.
These are in no particular order:
Elisabeth Hasselbeck
I love Barbara Walters, but I have to scratch my head when I try to think about what went into the process of hiring Elisabeth. She’s loud. She’s obnoxious. She is narrow minded. And while she had awesome abs on Survivor, I’m not sure that qualifies her to be a co-host of a daytime talk show. Or maybe it does? Whatever – I can’t watch The View, because it’s not good for my children to hear a constant stream of STFU coming from my mouth.
Everyone named LOHAN
Please. If your last name is Lohan, chances are, nothing I want to hear is coming out of your mouth. If your first name is Lindsey? Honey, you’re a drug addict, and that’s okay. I’ve seen your parents, and I’m sure you needed something to help erase the memories of the childhood you must have had with the two of those crackpots. But it’s time to put on your big girl panties and tackle the demons. Take responsibility for your actions, accept the consequences, and STFU.
If your name is Dina, not only do I want to smack you in the mouth, I want you to open your eyes and see that you’ve ridden your kid’s coattails long enough. Stop trying to prop up her lifeless body so that you can continue to ride the gravy train she conducts. The kid’s exhausted, a drug addict, and probably harbors so much hidden anger and resentment at having to support you and the rest of the family that she’ll never be “well”. So STFU, get a job, and let the kid surround herself with people who love her for her and not her paycheck.
If your name is Michael, brother, you’re lucky I even put you on this list. A celebrity you are not. But STFU.
Mel Gibson
I love Mel Gibson movies. Thoroughly enjoyed the Lethal Weapons. Loved Braveheart. Cried my eyes out through The Passion of the Christ. But the man has some personal issues. The good thing about the incident with his Baby Mama is that he’s been sort of reclusive. That’s helping to minimize the racist and woman hating tirades he was hellbent on sharing with all of us. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t deserve a smack in the mouth. He still does.
Everyone Named Gosselin, but Especially Jon
Are these people even celebrities? Well, they weren’t until we made them celebrities. Our nosy little selves were just all excited to get a peek into how a couple with eight little rugrats held it all together when there are those of us with only a few that have trouble. And then when the rumor mill started churning out information about the trouble in parental paradise, we tuned in again in droves to watch the train wreck.
But they have a taste of what it means to be famous; to have the spotlight for way more than your 15 minutes; to be on the cover of tabloid magazines. And because they are another couple riding the wave of Kid Kash (money you make because of your children), neither of them kept real jobs. So now that the celebrity ship is sailing, leaving them stranded on the shore, they are having to scramble to gain a foothold before they lose the Kiddie Kash Kow entirely. And Jon, who thought he was way hotter than he is, and who thought that we as women who took pity on him when he was a brow beaten husband to an overbearing Kate, is finding out that he’s a schlub. So he Tweets things to try and improve his reputation and our opinion of him. The Gosselins both deserve a smack in the mouth.
Kanye West
The best thing that ever happened to him was that he effed up big time, ran up on stage like an idiot, and interrupted Taylor Swift’s award acceptance speech. He’s been front and center virtually ever since, and it’s way past time to end his endless apologies and have him move on. The dude has been in the news for everything from replacing his bottom teeth with diamonds (there’s a good advertisement for dental hygiene – don’t brush, kids! Save the money you’d be spending on a toothbrush and toothpaste, and someday, when your teeth fall out, you can put diamonds in your mouth!) to dating a Kardashian (don’t ask me which one, because if I had a sixth spot on this list, it would probably be everyone named Kardashian – they’re all annoying!). I suggest someone slap this guy in the mouth before he takes center stage at the next presidential inauguration. Apparently, interrupting important speeches is this guy’s ladder to the top!
