Oh You Crazy Cosmo Girls!

My husband is a bit of a pervert, and if there is anything worse than a regular pervert, it’s a delusional one.  Part of his delusion – for the past 25 years – is to see the Cosmopolitan magazine at the grocery store check out, with the scantily clad cover girl gazing seductively back at him, and immediately thinking there is something in there among the articles about sex, sexy, sex starved, and sexting that will teach me something, and therefore, benefit him.

And then he buys the magazine.

cosmo

I’m convinced that only men buy this magazine.  Even in my 20s, there was nothing of any value to me in Cosmo.   My spring wardrobe consists of the same jeans I’d wear in the winter with short sleeved t-shirts instead of long sleeved sweat shirts.  And if by “Hot New Bod”, they are offering me complimentary use of the Extreme Makeover team, I’d be all over that.  But the worst of all?  The articles!  Who are they written for?

Ladies, let me save you the $5.  Or let me save your husband the $5.  Based on the cover articles, I thought I’d put my own spin on things and let you put that $5 in your pocket.  Or your $5 jar.

Cover Article #1:  15 Easy Ways to Score an Extra $2,000

I have to admit, this article goes where I never expected it to be going.  I mean, I’ve seen the girls in Cosmo Magazine, and I could come up with a few ways they might quickly score $2,000.  The article, however, recommends that instead of putting your spare change in a change jar like us shlubs, you put your spare $5 bills.  Every time your wallet fills up with those pesky Lincolns, you put them in your $5 jar.  My advice – put your annoying $100 bills in your $100 bill jar.  You’ll get to $2,000 much quicker.

Cover Article #2:  Is Oral Sex Dangerous

By the time I found the page this article was on, picked up the 42 subscription cards that had spilled out all over my floor, and blew my nose – which was running from inhaling the fumes of numerous designer perfumes, this is the tip I can offer you.  Yes – if you do it with vampires.

Cover Article #3:  What Guys Secretly Freak Out About

This could be a very useful article to someone who had never lived with a man before.  They’re very difficult to read, and any sort of manual to help you figure them out could come in quite handy.  The brave men in this article have imparted this wisdom unto you, you dear girl.  “I’m afraid someone is going to beat me up in front of my family.” (If this is really your secret fear, they probably will someday.)   “I worry my arms won’t get big, even though I work out four days a week.” (Maybe those four days would be better spent lifting something else – try a book.)  “Girls always tell me I’m ‘too big’ – I think my penis is too long.” (Oh, come on, that’s about as real as a reality show starring the Kardashians!)

cosmo 2

Let me clue you in on what guys REALLY secretly freak out about.  Getting married.  Having children.  Being left alone with those children while you run to pee.  Running out of wings during the Super Bowl.  Beyond that, most guys are pretty chill.

So, there you have it.  I hope my husband reads this blog post so he knows there is never again a need to pick up Cosmo magazine.  I’ll never fit into the clothes – or look good in them if I could.  I’m not going to make any secret confessions about having sex under the dining room table while my parents are entertaining the whole convent full of nuns (nor am I likely to get any ideas from these true confessions).

If something on the cover peaks your interest.  Come see me.  I’ll tell you what the article says, without even looking inside the magazine, and you can put that $5 in your $5 jar.  You’ll be at $2,000 in no time.

Pop Culture vs. Princess – Is this Part of What’s Wrong with America?

What, you may ask, do maternity clothes have to do with culture?  Maybe nothing.  But when you combine pregnancy with celebrity, it becomes part of our culture – part of what people know us for.

So let me share two photos with you.  Both are pregnant celebrities, about the same age, babies due about the same time.

Believe me, with three baby bumps of my own that had to be outfitted for work, weekends, and special events, it’s not always easy to look your best, with things you didn’t know you had bulging in places you didn’t know existed.  And I know how expensive maternity clothes can be.

But we’re talking Kardashian franchise here.  Doesn’t she have people?  Consultants?  Fashion gurus?  A mirror?

Compared to Princess Kate, the really beautiful Kim Kardashian looks like the poster child for the people of Walmart website.  She’s squeezed too tightly into a dress that doesn’t fit properly with her, ummm, assets looking as though they might blow this joint with one good sneeze.

There’s a time and a place for the Hooker Fabulous look.  Maybe during your pregnancy, you want to try to class things up a bit??

 

Slipping out of the Mom Jeans and Looking for a Mom Skirt

I am not a skirt/dress person.  My view of the fashion kingdom has always been to keep a supply of easy to put on, no muss, no fuss articles of clothing that I could grab, slide on, and run out in.

Enter the husband.  Thanks to my summer tummy tuck, he seems to think I’m looking pretty good, and women who look pretty good have a whole different level of fashion expectations.  He’s like to see me in some casual skirts or dresses to wear this winter while he thinks I have nothing better to do than sit and have him admire the new figure.  Thats his view on the world.  Now for the reality.

I need skirts and dresses that are casual, comfortable, not frumpy, and give me a more polished look.  I don’t want anything sleeveless, because I freeze.  I’m not a huge fan of stockings, because, again, I freeze, so ideally, I’d like to do tights.  And just what kind of shoes am I supposed to wear?  I don’t like boots with short skirts, and you can’t really do heels well with tights.  What time is my appointment to be on What Not To Wear?

In doing extensive skirt/dress research, I did find a few things.

Don’t wear baggy – No kidding?  Did I lose 150 pounds and go through all this surgery to wear baggy?  I think not.

Pleats Please? – Ummm, no, you big fat arse.  I may have lost all that weight, but I still carry about 30 pounds too much, and pleats and gathers on a skirt just add poundage.  Unless you’ve been on the Lara Flynn Boyle diet lately, skip them entirely.  So now I know what I looked like all summer long – enormous, wearing pencil skirts day after day.

Remember the big fat arse comment? – Yeah, I’m talking to me.  No light colors on the bottom – especially if you are wearing dark on top.  Dark on the bottom in slimming; light on the bottom gives you bubble butt.  Nobody looks good in bubble butt.

The length of your skirt should not be determined by how desperately you want to look like Tina Turner.  Face it, sister, you don’t look like Tina Turner.  The woman is smokin’ in her almost 70 year old skin, and she can rock the mini skirt.  The worse your legs look, the longer your skirt should be.  That means I should only wear skirts with a cathedral train.  At least that’s how I interpret this rule.

So which skirts will look okay on me?

A-Line seems to be the skirt for everyone – even my big old butt.  They are fitted at the top, but then they get a bit wider as they go down, to accommodate those areas of my body that have not had the benefit of the work of the fabulous Dr. Veitia.

Wrap skirts are another style that seems like it would flatter every figure.  Are there winter wrap skirts?  And what shoes do you wear with them?

Straight skirts, now that I don’t have that hanging tummy, seem like they might work as well, but I’ve seen longer straight skirts.  I don’t think it’s a look I can carry, and I always think bag lady when I see them.  Seriously.

I still have kind of wide hips, but I’m not sure I know the difference between a pencil skirt and a straight skirt.  Anyone want to enlighten me?

I like the look of a flared skirt, but for some reason, I just always think they’re either for MUCH younger people or dancers.

So, who wants in on the skirt discussion?  Help a sister out, will you?