Have you seen this TLC show? It’s about a polygamist family, headed by a lower than low, scum of the earth, male form of some sort of non-human cretin who managed to find not one; not two; not three; but FOUR women dumb enough to fall for his pseudo-religious entitlement to multiple wives.
Get the hell out! Can you believe it? Of course, we’ve all heard of polygamists – some of us have seen Big Love on HBO. We’ve watched the news as a group of Amish looking women in conservative clothes and hair in buns were paraded across their property, ushered into police cars and vans, and taken away as their very own piece of pond scum was charged with having sex with minors. But THOSE sort of polygamists had the decency to hide their polygamy out of the public eye. Until they were caught.
These polygamists want you to see what they’re all about and make sure you think they’re nice, normal people who could live next door to YOU.
So, here’s my understanding of polygamy. Correct me if I’m wrong.
Some guy decides he’s tired of hearing about his wife having a headache; being tired from working all day and taking care of the house and kids; tired from hitting the grocery store and the dry cleaners; and she is way too tired to have sex with him for the third time this week. It’s only Tuesday, for cripes sake, and the woman is worn out.
But he’s a “decent” guy, and he doesn’t want to dump her poor, pitiful arse like yesterday’s garbage just because her libido can’t keep up with his. Besides, divorce is expensive, and she probably makes more than he does, and he’d hate to have to pay her child support and mess with the comfortable lifestyle he has grown accustom to.
So one night, they’re laying in bed, and they’re cuddling. Charismatic Kody says, “You know, you work awfully hard around here, and it’s not fair for the burden of the whole house to fall on you. It’s just too much for you to keep up with all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, taking care of my kids’ needs, and my sexual needs. I think we should talk about getting you some help.” And the poor dopey wife #1 thinks, “OMG, this guy DOES have a clue!” And they get all romantic and intimate, while she shows her undying gratitude for him even suggesting what she thinks he’s suggesting – which is a housekeeper from Merry Maids.
Next thing you know, there’s wife #2. Now wife #1 is pissed, but what the hell? She said she thought it was a great idea to get some help with all the household chores. And you know what? Yeah, this is how this scumbag is getting around cheating on her, but he’s now only bugging her three times a week for sex; she has a built in baby sitter if she wants to go out those three nights; and she only has to cook dinner three nights a week now as well. Maybe she can make it work?
But once there’s a #2 wife, and said scumbag has gotten away with it, there is no end in site. I mean, how could wife #2 bitch about him seeing another woman when he courts wife #3? He cheated on wife #1 with her, so it has to be okay for him to do now.
And the vicious cycle continues.
Ladies, please. Find your backbones. You deserve better than this dog turd. You deserve a husband who loves you and thinks you’re special enough to be his one and only, and who knows that just because you’re too tired one night to respond to his whims, it doesn’t give him permission to pick up someone who can respond when you’re not available.
And look at him. There are sacks of onions with more appeal than Kody Brown.
Now if someone wants to come be a sister wife at my house, I’m all for it, but there are ground rules.
1 – I like dinner served at 6 PM
2 – I like the carpet vacuumed so the lines in the rug all go the same way
3 – The kids’ schedule of after school activities is on the fridge – just let me know when you get home
4 – Keep the remote control where I can reach it without having to leave a comfortable spot on the couch
5 – Mitts off my husband – I was here first, so “those” benefits are all mine
There are some things just not meant to be shared.