Secret Princes – So Let Me Get This Straight

Back in the day, Eddie Murphy and Arsenio Hall came to America from some far off African land.  Eddie was a prince, if I recall, and he wanted to live life as a pauper here in America.  He found a job at the MacDougall’s, met a common girl, fell in love, and then had James Earl Jones come storming over here from Africa to haul his ass back home.

Only, of course, because this is the movies, he tells Darth Vader that he wants to marry James Evans daughter, and everyone is okay with this.

Fast forward to today, and TLC (remember when they were the Learning Channel as opposed to the television version of The Globe?) is about to introduce their new show Secret Princes.  Four foreign princes (but not big ones that we’d know if they showed up nekkid in Vegas) have decided to come over here to the US to pursue love with a common girl – who I have a feeling will be introduced to the current day version of James Earl Jones, only to have her spray tanned, poofy haired, valley talking aspiring actress butt back home.  It sounds like the Bachelor with an accent and no roses.

The only love connection I envision is the one TLC makes with the money that will be pouring in to the station that brings you such educational programming as Honey Boo Boo and Say Yes to the Dress.

Well, and maybe the one we make with the prince who is the underwear model.  Beckham who??

Extreme Couponing – a Happier Side to Hoarding??

I may not be the best person to comment on extreme couponers.  I am the polar opposite of an extreme couponer because I do not clip coupons.  Maybe that’s why I don’t get it?

I used to cut coupons – I really tried.  I’d buy the paper each Sunday, and go through the sections, cutting out coupons for new products, products we never tried, products that I try not to buy.  It seemed that none of the stuff I ever actually used had coupons, but I’d happily head into the store with a pocket full of discounts, only to come home with food my kids hated, food I wasn’t proud serving, and toothpaste that tasted like butt and no one would use.  I never saw the value of couponing – at least for my family.

Plus, I’m just not that organized.

But when I’m watching these coupon clippers and their euphoric highs, I half feel like I’m watching an episode of Hoarders.  These happy housewives are proudly showing off their stash of deodorant – all of which they obtained for free using coupons – but half of which will still be in their garages long after the apocalypse.  Who needs that much deodorant?

Or how about candy bars?  I saw an episode where a couple of coupon clippers filled a quarter of their grocery cart with candy bars – but they were free or very nearly free.  I wouldn’t even know where to put that many candy bars once I got them home.  I’d be making candy bouquets, making Snickers soup in the crock pot, and putting them in the collection basket at Church just to get them out of my house.

One episode had a woman who proudly showed off her diaper mountain – enough diapers to keep a baby dry and happy for 18 months of it’s life.  Except, the woman didn’t actually have any children.  But who can pass up a deal, right?  That same couponer packed a shopping cart filled with Maalox – maybe the week before she scored big on cans of spicy bean dip?

There seems to be a thin line between collecting bottles of salad dressing until you could supply every salad bar in the free world with an assortment of dressings for six months and hoarding cats.  Are these people more “okay” because cat pee smells?

While I appreciate immensely the ability to feed a family of five for a month on $6.00, like one woman featured on this show, how much fresh foods are these people feeding their families?  Are there coupons for oranges and bananas?  Fresh salad or vegetables?  And where the hell would these people put 27 crates of bananas?

More power to you if you can use coupons to your advantage.  In this economy, we could all use a bit of a break now and again from the outrageous cost of things.  Heaven knows that at some point, we may get to where it costs more to put fuel in our cars than food in our families’ tummies, so if you can do it more cheaply, go for it.

But really?  It seems like the term “extreme” applies to more than just couponing here.

Sister Wives – Bleccchhh – That’s Disgusting

Have you seen this TLC show?  It’s about a polygamist family, headed by a lower than low, scum of the earth, male form of some sort of non-human cretin who managed to find not one; not two; not three; but FOUR women dumb enough to fall for his pseudo-religious entitlement to multiple wives.

Get the hell out! Can you believe it?  Of course, we’ve all heard of polygamists – some of us have seen Big Love on HBO.  We’ve watched the news as a group of Amish looking women in conservative clothes and hair in buns were paraded across their property, ushered into police cars and vans, and taken away as their very own piece of pond scum was charged with having sex with minors.  But THOSE sort of polygamists had the decency to hide their polygamy out of the public eye.  Until they were caught.

These polygamists want you to see what they’re all about and make sure you think they’re nice, normal people who could live next door to YOU.

So, here’s my understanding of polygamy.  Correct me if I’m wrong.

Some guy decides he’s tired of hearing about his wife having a headache; being tired from working all day and taking care of the house and kids; tired from hitting the grocery store and the dry cleaners; and she is way too tired to have sex with him for the third time this week.  It’s only Tuesday, for cripes sake, and the woman is worn out.

But he’s a “decent” guy, and he doesn’t want to dump her poor, pitiful arse like yesterday’s garbage just because her libido can’t keep up with his.  Besides, divorce is expensive, and she probably makes more than he does, and he’d hate to have to pay her child support and mess with the comfortable lifestyle he has grown accustom to.

So one night, they’re laying in bed, and they’re cuddling.  Charismatic Kody says, “You know, you work awfully hard around here, and it’s not fair for the burden of the whole house to fall on you.  It’s just too much for you to keep up with all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, taking care of my kids’ needs, and my sexual needs.  I think we should talk about getting you some help.”  And the poor dopey wife #1 thinks, “OMG, this guy DOES have a clue!”  And they get all romantic and intimate, while she shows her undying gratitude for him even suggesting what she thinks he’s suggesting – which is a housekeeper from Merry Maids.

Next thing you know, there’s wife #2.  Now wife #1 is pissed, but what the hell?  She said she thought it was a great idea to get some help with all the household chores.  And you know what?  Yeah, this is how this scumbag is getting around cheating on her, but he’s now only bugging her three times a week for sex; she has a built in baby sitter if she wants to go out those three nights; and she only has to cook dinner three nights a week now as well.  Maybe she can make it work?

But once there’s a #2 wife, and said scumbag has gotten away with it, there is no end in site.  I mean, how could wife #2 bitch about him seeing another woman when he courts wife #3?  He cheated on wife #1 with her, so it has to be okay for him to do now.

And the vicious cycle continues.

Ladies, please.  Find your backbones.  You deserve better than this dog turd.  You deserve a husband who loves you and thinks you’re special enough to be his one and only, and who knows that just because you’re too tired one night to respond to his whims, it doesn’t give him permission to pick up someone who can respond when you’re not available.

And look at him.  There are sacks of onions with more appeal than Kody Brown.

Now if someone wants to come be a sister wife at my house, I’m all for it, but there are ground rules.

1 – I like dinner served at 6 PM

2 – I like the carpet vacuumed so the lines in the rug all go the same way

3 – The kids’ schedule of after school activities is on the fridge – just let me know when you get home

4 – Keep the remote control where I can reach it without having to leave a comfortable spot on the couch

5 – Mitts off my husband – I was here first, so “those” benefits are all mine

There are some things just not meant to be shared.