The Proper Way to Hang Christmas Lights

So, growing up, it seemed to me the men-folk were the ones who did all the fancy ‘lectrical stuff around Christmas time.  It was the strong, handsome men hanging lights in the windows and stringing the Christmas tree.

Then I married Lazy *** Jim.  Our first year together, he helped out, not a lot, but enough that I thought he did a good job.  He did do all of the lights on the tree, but I did the lights in the windows and such around the house.  Gradually, over the years, it became my job to also string the lights on the tree.  Having never done it, and not sure how to do it, each year it seems that I do it a different way.  It never looks evenly lit all the way around, and I am always pissed off that I had to do it without Jim.  The women are supposed to hang the balls and string the garland.  Lights are not in my chromosomes. 

Last year, for the first time, I watched the White House Christmas.  Damn, those people sure know how to decorate!!   Not only does the whole joint look fabulous, they have truckloads of volunteers to do it all.  All Mrs. Bush has to do is wander in, hair perfectly coiffed, suit pressed and lovely, smiling a big ol’ Texas smile, and admire how great her house and her trees look.  Although lacking the hundreds of volunteers, I decided last year to light my tree the White House way.  They wrap each branch with the lights, each individual branch, each insignificant on it’s own little branch.  It always looks so bright, so beautiful, and so evenly lit.  Of course, wrapping each branch is not an easy task, and when you undertake it, you realize why they White House has hundreds of generous souls wrapping and wrapping and wrapping.  After three branches, my hands ache, my back hurts, I hate Christmas, and at the earliest possible convenience, I intend to stab my husband to death with one of these insignifcant little branches.

So, the problem with wrapping the lights around each branch is that you eventually have to UNWRAP each branch.  Yep, after the hours that went in to wrapping the branches, we try to figure out how to unstring the lights in less than 20 seconds.  And hours later, we are left with tangled bunches of lights, sap over everything, poked eyes, scratched cheeks, and cracked fingers.

Next year, Jim says, instead of wrapping the branches, just put the lights in patches.  I say get off your Lazy *** and do it yourself.